Emotional hurt is the price a person has to pay in order to be independent (Haruki Murakami)
There were more tears and pain than I could thought of. I have just cried. And I don’t like it to be honest. On the other hand, I don’t want to hide my emotion.
I have been in a storm that is meant for me. It isn’t pleasant. It is the storm that Murakami has described as “no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time; just fine whites and swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones”. The storm is inside me. Or it is me with all of my confusing thoughts and emotion and it is not over yet.
I have got stuck in that confusion. One part in me doesn’t want to let go of the memories we shared together but there was too much pain that I could feel hurt on my left chest every time I think about him and what we had and shared over the past few months.
However, at the end of the day, we will get back to ourselves no matter how much we care about the others. I need to find back the peace in me, heal my wounds and get ready for the next chapter of my life. I know the pain is still there, I will miss him sometimes but more importantly, love myself again and even more than I had done to myself before meeting him. Because neither do I want to be hurt again nor hurt other people in the way I have been hurt.
This back to myself journey will be long. At certain points during the journey, I will cry and be struck hard by the past memories or by the guy who I had thought we could be together a bit longer. But I know they are there for a reason and I need to go through all of these things. He is the lesson I have to learn on my journey to get back to my true self.
No matter how far you travel, you can never get away from yourself (Haruki Murakami)